Subscribe to Curable So what do you think the most self-destructive misunderstanding about forgiveness is? I know there are a lot of misconceptions out there, but what do you think is the biggest offender doing the most harm to people? That forgiveness somehow lets somebody off the hook. The biggest obstacles to forgiveness, is that people have no idea what it is. They think that if they forgive, then they have to go home and have thanksgiving with dad who is horrendous. Or if they forgive that they are required to think that somebody did something that was OK.
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Print In a new series of videos on Greater Good, forgiveness expert Fred Luskin shares what he has learned from two decades of studying and teaching forgiveness. From this research, Dr. You can learn more by watching the videos , reading Dr. The Nine Steps to Forgiveness 1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience.
Make a commitment to yourself to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and no one else. Check out Dr. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person who upset you or condoning the action. In forgiveness you seek the peace and understanding that come from blaming people less after they offend you and taking those offenses less personally. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not from what offended you or hurt you two minutes—or 10 years—ago.
Give up expecting things from your life or from other people that they do not choose to give you. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship, and prosperity, and work hard to get them. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge.
Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving power over you to the person who caused you pain, learn to look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you. Put more energy into appreciating what you have rather than attending to what you do not have. Amend the way you look at your past so you remind yourself of your heroic choice to forgive. Get the science of a meaningful life delivered to your inbox.
Forgiveness Is Not What You Think It Is
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